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| While faint, the bruise is not the point. No one should place their hands on another person in violence. |
Last fall, my sister, Ally, was enrolled in a study
abroad program in Poland through Syracuse University, where she will be
graduating from this spring. This should have been a once in a lifetime
experience. It should have been the time of her life. It should have been
joyous and fun. It wasn't.
About two months into the program, she was
approached by the director, who essentially told her, "your classmates
don't like you." I don't really think this is an appropriate thing to discuss with a student. I wouldn't even approach my first graders in this way, but my opinion on this part of the story isn't really the point. The classmates in question were a group of girls who
rather than explore the country they were in, stayed up all night gossiping,
partying, etc. and then made a mad dash to complete their school work by the
deadline. My sister preferred to get her work done early on, and then to
explore the city they were staying in. As a result, she had chosen not to
engage with these young ladies on a social level. Instead, Ally preferred to
spend her time with one of the young men in the program, Jake, whom she would
study with, cook with and explore the city with.
Although Ally did not agree with the director
having approached her, she decided that she would make an effort to better
connect with all of the members in her program. A few days later, she went on a
pub crawl with the other members of her program, in an effort to form a more
positive with them. Over the course of this evening, one of the other young men
in the program hit on her, attempted to kiss her, and demanded she buy him
cigarettes in exchange for him leaving her alone. He had been drinking heavily.
Eventually, he did leave her alone, but only because he had turned his
attention to another young lady who was, as my sister described her, "so
drunk I wasn't sure she spoke English." Ally and Jake intervened, as the
classmate was attempting to persuade her to leave the club with him, a situation
that neither of them felt was safe.
Ally and Jake resumed dancing. Jake was facing Ally
and did not see their classmate as he approached them, reached over Jake's
shoulder and punched my sister in the face. My sister, who weighs 85 lbs
soaking wet was sucker punched in the face by a man weighing over 200 lbs. I
have a few things I would like to say to him.
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| Beautiful free spirit Ally. |
To My Sister's Attacker,
I have written this letter hundreds of times in my
head to you. In that letter I have raged at you, threatened you, wished you ill
and called you every name I can think of. But there is a problem with such a
letter written with the level of fury I have felt. You put enough hate into the
world the night you chose to use your fists to solve a problem with my sister,
and even more of it into the world by degrading her throughout the hearing
process. If I curse at you, insult you or promise you bodily harm, I am only
perpetuating that cycle. Instead, I would like to do something completely
different. I would like to apologize to you and express to you my deepest
sympathies for various disadvantages you have clearly had over the course of
your life.
I would first like to apologize for the fact that I
do not know what to call you. Your name would be most desirable, but as you
would probably see it as a violation to your privacy in some way and attempt to
bring legal action against me, I have discarded this as an option. I would call
you one of the many names I have in my head, but it seems that the strongest
insults would come at the expense of further degrading women. With regard to
the former, I could argue that you do not deserve privacy, particularly after
you showed such a blatant disregard for my sister's after you assaulted her. It
would inevitably fall on deaf ears. With regard to the latter, while it could
be argued that these words only insult women when used in certain contexts, I
refuse to take that chance. I also refuse to add more negativity to the world
in this manner. I suppose I could call you "The Man Who Attacked My
Sister," and I have already referred to you as a young man, however it is
for want of a better word. I am sorry to say, I cannot call you a man
sincerely. Doing so would group you into a category where I also place my
father, my uncles, my grandfathers and my husband, none of whom have ever had
the need to place their hands on a woman in an aggressive manner. Therefore, I
beg your forgiveness for depersonalizing you and calling you only "My
Sister's Attacker."
Secondly, I would like to express my sorrow for you
that you have come to understand in your lifetime that causing pain to others
is a way to get what you want. How tragic that somewhere along your life path
it was shown to you that violence toward others is a way to get them to do as
you would wish. It saddens me for you, that this will most likely limit your
opportunities for real friendship, as you will never know if someone is
spending time with you and agreeing with you out of genuine desire, or out of
fear. Knowing you are unlikely to have a healthy relationship based on love and
mutual respect for another makes me feel your circumstances are truly grim.
Additionally, I would like to convey my sadness for
you that you clearly do not have the level of love and support from your family
and friends that has been a lifelong presence in the lives of my sister and
myself. Within 72 hours of my parents finding out about the fist you so
aggressively placed in my sister's face, we had friends and family around the
US and the world quietly but actively showing her love via Facebook, e-mails,
phone calls, blog posts, etc. While I am certainly not saying that you should
have received that level of support for your actions, I am saying that were the
situation reversed, I highly doubt you would have had nearly as many people
cheering you on. How miserable for you.
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| With our mother in Europe. |
On a similar note, I also would like to indicate my
pity for you not having life teachers, that is to say educators, parents,
grandparents, family, caregivers, etc., that taught you to have personal values
such as taking responsibility for your actions. While I could be extremely
vexed by the middle fingers you chose to allow fly from the nest of your hands
following your assault, or the complete denial of the situation later on, I
choose instead to feel sorry for you. As Leon Brown said, "You must take responsibility for your own choices and
actions, for you learn nothing until you take ownership of your life."
When viewed from this respect, it seems that you, in fact, are the one who
lacks power.
Next, I would like to express to you my deepest
sympathies that alcohol is such a necessary part of your social life. However,
before I go further I do feel the need to clarify that I have nothing against
the consumption of alcohol. My family drinks wine with dinner nearly every
night, and we enjoy going to tastings and experimenting with making mixed
drinks as well. That being said, based on anecdotal evidence from my sister, it appears
that using it to excess is one of the few ways you feel you can enjoy yourself.
I do hope that your current probationary status you were given through Syracuse
as a result of your violent actions when intoxicated allows you the opportunity
to explore other interests that do not come at the expense of good judgment and
liver health.
The last two things I would like to convey my
condolences to you over, are perhaps the ones that cause me to feel the most
grief for you. The first is that I am truly sorry you will never know the real
Ally. You will never be acquainted with the strong woman who comes home and
volunteers in my Special Education classroom, and who my students always want
to come back. You will never know the girl who brings me my favorite pastry
just because. You will never know the person who takes our grandmother to lunch
every time she is in town. Who can debate the merits of both a scholarly
article and of Harry Potter. Who stopped by my house to play with my dogs and
did my dishes while she was there. You will never know her. You tried to
destroy her beauty with the bruise you left. Her beauty is far more than skin
deep, and your hands can never change that. I pity you, that you are so
unwise.
I also would like to express my concern that you
are so clueless as to what you have unleashed on the world. Did you consider,
for a second, that the determined woman you assaulted is pre law? That she is
also a brilliant writer and extremely well spoken? That she comes from a family
full of feminists? Ally had originally spoken about going into corporate law.
Now she is talking about working for a nonprofit to help women in abusive
situations. Your decision to be violent may well make the world a much unkinder
place for those who do not treat women with kindness and respect. In other
words, those who solve problems with their fists are about to live a much
harder life.
I'm sorry your life is about to get harder, but I
cannot help but smile and tell you from the bottom of my heart, "Thank you
for making the world a better place for women." I also would like to tell
you, I forgive you, if not for your sake, then for myself. If I hold on to the
anger I feel for you, I am limiting the love I can feel for so many other
wonderful people.
Sincerely,
The Woman Lucky Enough to Call Ally "My
Sister"
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| My maid of honor, on my wedding day and every day. |
A few closing thoughts: For those that will
undoubtedly say, "it doesn't look like a big bruise," or "you
can barely see it" or "the guy was drunk, cut him a break," you
are supporting rape culture, abuse of women and a world where these things are acceptable.
Violence against anyone, male or female, is not okay. No more toleration, no more free passes.
Fists do not solve problems, they cause them. At one time Jesse Matthews, the
man currently on trial for the rape and murder of Hannah Graham and my former
classmate, Morgan Harrington, along with having numerous other charges against
him, started out with a series of smaller charges, including assaults at
parties in college. It is time to stop taking these things lightly.
My sister is back at SU, and will graduate in the spring. She found the
courage to stay in Poland, press charges despite the harassment of several of
the other women in their program and the complete lack of support from its director, and finish the semester with an A/B average.
However, despite her strength, there are days where she still struggles. It was
hard for her to come forward, and even harder for her to follow through, but
she did it so that she might inspire others to have courage.
