#LoveMe Day 8, Share a Scar

The only way this woman lived to be 90 was because of how big her heart was. 

My scars on the whole are really not very impressive. A few on my hands from barbed wire, one on my chin from a vicious attack on the part of a hardwood floor, and one on my shin that I think came from a metal tent stake at a local festival, but honestly I'm not sure. I also have three small scars from my appendectomy, which are so small, I feel silly even calling them scars.

However, as has already been pointed out by others, some scars are not visible, and on day 8 of the love me challenge, my family lost our matriarch. Grandmuttee, at 90, went to join her husband in heaven. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Her pain is gone, and she left a hell of a legacy of love and kindness in the world. While her loss will leave a scar on all of us, it is more a badge of honor, to have been part of a family where the love was so deep. Losing part of it does leave a mark, but it is more of a reminder of where we came from, and what we should do to honor that heritage.

#LoveMe Day 6, A Letter to my Future Self

Remember me? I hope you've made her proud. 

Dear Older and Hopefully Wiser Me,

I hope you're reading this in February of 2020 and that it makes you smile. That you say, "Yes, little me, it did all work out," or "it didn't turn out the way we thought, it's better." I had a lot of goals for us when I wrote this, and I hope you've accomplished or are at least closer to them. Here is what I hope you have done.

1. I hope you and Brad still fall for each other a little more every day. 
2. I hope that you have figured out a way to make a little extra money with your blog. 
3. I hope that if you aren't debt free yet, then you're very close. 
4. I hope that if you don't have a horse to suit your purposes yet, that you are at least in a place where you can do more than casually browse. 
5. I hope the farm looks better now then it does when you wrote this. 
6. I hope you have made at least one new friend.
7. I  hope you and Beth are still close. 
8. I hope your life is filled with laughter and smiles. 
9. I hope you stuck with it, and are still writing down five good things before you go to sleep every night. 
10. I hope that if you are not a parent yet, it is on the horizon. 
11. I hope you met your fitness goals, and that you feel good in your own skin. 
12. I hope you have picked up a few new skills in an area that interests you. 
13. I hope you have written a book that you are proud of. 
14. I hope you are close to building your own house.
15. I hope the farm has been turned into a business of some sort. 
16. I hope you have gone on at least one of your dream trips.
17. I hope you are doing a job that makes you happy and that you believe in.
18. I hope you have done at least one crazy fitness event. 
19. I hope your Etsy business is still going, as long as it makes you happy. 
20. I hope that your Pinterest boards have more on your "I've done this" boards and less on your "I want to try this" boards. 
21. I hope that your flexibility has improved. And really, that shouldn't take too much effort because you're about as stretchy as a block of wood right now. 
22. I hope that you're still doing great things in the community and helping kids. 
23. I hope you have held onto your identity and are making choices to please yourself and not others. 
24. I hope you are still reading like your life depends on it. It does. 
25. I hope there is always room for one more place at your kitchen table. 
26. I hope your inner voice is a kind one. 
27. I hope that no matter where you are or what your official job title says, that you are both teaching and learning with love and joy in your heart. 

I'd like to believe you will be proud of us. That you'll look down at your calloused hands and then out your window and see at least a few of your dreams looking back at you. Most of all, I hope you will then be setting new goals to pursue. I love you, whoever you have become. 

#LoveMe

#Love Me Day 5, A Letter to a Past Me

Dear Me Minus One Year,

Right now you're reeling from 2013, which was a tough year overall. 2014 won't be the easiest, but it will be better. 2015 promises to be the best trip around the sun yet. Would you believe me if I told you that:

1. Today you have bronchitis, but you still can't seem to stop smiling.
2. Your boss praised you publicly to a group of much more experienced teachers today, and that one of them was nice enough to share the information with you.
3. You are volunteering to coach Girls on the Run. 
4. You have two adorable dogs that light up your whole day
5. You have some really good friends at your teaching job.
6. You haven't had a pain spike from Chronic Pain Syndrome since October. 
7. Brad has become a dog person.
8. The two of you are laying out plans for a garden this year.
9. You no longer live in that tiny apartment.
10. You actually got to move back to the farm…without having to move in with your mother. 
11. You are on track to be debt free by 28.
12. People actually read a blog you write, and like it. 
13. When you stopped giving a damn what other people thought, you started getting a lot more compliments. 
14. You didn't have to go back to waiting tables to get out of a bad job situation.
15. You're in the process of converting the fences on the farm to wood. 
16. The most common thing you hear out of your students mouthes isn't "F*** you," anymore. It's "I love you."
17. No matter who you co-teach with next year, odds are it will be one of your favorite people. 
18. You and your body may not always agree, but you're definitely working much better together. 
19. You haven't missed a single day of exercise this year. 
20. You have time to read again.
21. Brad has figured out how to cook some of the best food you've ever had. 
22. You actually want to learn how to shoot. (One word, horrified 2014 me, coyotes.)
23. You might actually have figured out what the heck to do with your life. 
24. You somehow managed to finish graduate school. 
25. Even your most difficult student is one you can love and adore without significant soul searching or effort. 
26. You rock climb on a regular basis. 
27. You are happier than you could have ever hoped to be. 

You probably don't because for all of our good points, we're still skeptical, but I'm telling you: trust yourself! We've done a lot in the last year. I leave you with the lyrics to one of our favorite songs. "Hold your head high. Don't ever let them define the light in your eyes. Love yourself, give them hell, you can take on this world. Just stand and be strong and fight like a girl. Have style and grace, kick ass and take names."

#LoveMe

#LoveMe Day 4, Someone That Loves Me

I met my husband, Brad, in 6th grade, but I didn't fall for him until after my sophomore year of college. He, however, has loved me since I was 15. He is literally one of the best people I could ever hope to know. The fact that he loves me is still amazing to me sometimes.

Last year, I read "The Five Languages of Love," which explains how different people feel loved by others in different ways. My love language is acts of service, which means that words, gifts and even physical touch don't really register with me as acts of love.  Don't get me wrong, they're nice, but I don't  receive a present from my husband and think, "he got this because he loves me." Meanwhile, Brad's love language is primarily quality time and words of affirmation. We've both had to work hard to become bilingual, but doing so has significantly improved our relationship.

Here are 27 sweet "I Love Yous" my husband has shown me through acts of service.

1. He comes to the school I work at and fixes things in my classroom. 
2. He's taken over making dinner as of late so I can focus on doing other things. 
3. He takes care of my horses on the nights I am running late. 
4. He's been on the night shift for the last couple of days and has come home and made me breakfast. 
5. He also agreed to change his last name when we got married so we could have the same last name without me having to give up mine. Both of ours are hyphenated. 
6. Last year when I set up a mini golf course for field day, Brad made the golf clubs. 
7. Despite working 10 hour nights this week, I came home to all the laundry done yesterday. 
8. Agreeing to take on two dogs, despite not being a "pet person." (Although he now admits he can't imagine life without them.)
9. He plans activities for us. If that were my job, we would never make it anywhere. 
10. He puts up with my crazy, wacky friends.
11. He always does the right thing and finds a way to make it work. Last year when my friend's mom died, he took care of the floral arrangements. 
12. He continues to find ways to make my craft space and storage more efficient. 
13. On some of the roughest days as a teacher (and I love my job, but there are still days) I have come home to a glass of wine already poured. 
14. He's currently in the process of helping me convert the fences at the farm to wood. 
15. He's helped me treat numerous horse boo boos. 
16. Sometimes, he tells me not to do something that I have put pressure on myself to do, and works with me to come up with a graceful solution.
17. We have plans this weekend to build planting boxes so we can start our garden. 
18. If I really love a book, he'll read it too so we can talk about it. 
19. Recently, we have been talking about trying to make the farm an actual business. He's been doing extra research just to figure out how to make it happen. 
20. He has supported me in my fitness goals this year. 
21. He manages our finances, which, believe me, is reason enough to feel his love. It takes me forever. 
22. He has been willing to try new things with me. 
23. He helps me pick out items for my classroom store, especially when I'm clueless. 
24. He helps me to put together lesson materials. 
25. He helped me put together a BBQ at the beginning of the year since I was at a new school and was afraid of not knowing anyone. 
26. He takes care of the car maintenance so I don't have to. 
27. Any goal I set, he shows support of not just verbally, but with actions. 

How lucky I am to have someone who loves me so much. 

#LoveMe Day 3, A Word that Describes Me

   

Covered in my GOTR name "Hardworking Hailey" at GOTR training.

I recently signed on to coach a Girls on the Run team. For those of you that don't know, Girls on the Run is a program for girls in 3rd-5th grade that uses running as a tool to teach girls about lifelong health and fitness, as well as self esteem and respect for others. So far, it's been really fun. Anyway, a few weeks ago I went to coaches training to help me to better understand the program. As part of one of the activities, we had to come up with a Girls on the Run name and were instructed to choose an adjective that begins with the same letter as our first name that describes us. It took me about 5 seconds to write down Hardworking Hailey. Everyone wrote down everyone else's GOTR name, and then we played a game where we ran laps while finding everyone on our list. It was like getting patted on the back for who I was.

I'm not always sure of myself, but I am sure of one thing. I am a hard worker and I always have been. I have had lots of advantages in my life. To say otherwise would be to mislead you. My parents are supportive, I have always had financial stability, and my extended family is helpful and kind. I have been blessed with many good friends and a wonderful husband. But many things have not come easily to me.

In second grade I was diagnosed with ADHD. I have always had to work harder in school than those around me, but I was willing and I made good grades. A few teachers looked at me and saw only my label. Most of them eventually changed their minds, once they saw how much effort I put forth, but a few were unconvinced. The worst of these told me she would be surprised to see me finish high school.  Not only did I finish high school, but I got my BA in Interdisciplinary studies with minors in English, History and Animal Science, and my M.Ed. in Special Education. During that time I also showed horses competitively, worked part or full time (depending on the year and my course load), and found several other ways to earn money.

Today I am proud to still be a hard worker. I teach Special Education, work in a church nursery on Sunday morning, take care of three horses and two dogs, and am working with my husband to turn our farm into a profitable business venture. It will take lots more sweat, but I'm proud of being willing to work so hard.

#LoveMe Day 2, A Picture of Myself

That's me in 2010. Before. Before good and bad things. Before I started writing with a passion. Before I forgot who I was. Before I married the man of my dreams. Before I took a job I hated. Before I knew who my real friends were. Before I was diagnosed with Chronic Pain Syndrome. Before I finished two degrees, which some believed I never could.

Good and bad has happened in the last five years, and I'm starting to realize that maybe it was all good, since it brought me here, to a place where I'm starting to understand myself and what I want. Perhaps a little rough around the edges and tattered at the seams, but still wonderfully alive and beautiful and in tact.

I love this photo. My husband took it right after we first started dating. He always does seem to capture me better than anyone else. I am 19, and if you could see the rest of the picture, you would see that I am grooming my horse. To me this image shows the two different sides of me simultaneously, which is no simple feat. In this image I look both completely focused and yet very far away. Calm and yet, in my mind, completely wild, although that could just be that my hair is down, something I never do with it anymore. Peaceful, and yet somehow restless. They are two different sides that I embrace each and every day.

The good things that have happened since this picture have made me a better, stronger and happier person. But the bad things have too. And so though the two sets of events conflict, they are two sides to the same coin. Two perspectives on the same life. I choose to embrace both.

The #LoveMe Challenge

Today is the first day of February and while most of America is out shopping for their Superbowl party tonight, I am contemplating what I want my goals and focus to be for the month of February. In January, I focused on doing things to make myself happier, kicking off my reading challenge, and changing my fitness and eating habits. The good points so far have been:

• Coming up with a clearer long term goal. 
• Starting 8 books and finishing 7 (I'm still in the middle of Gone With the Wind)
• Losing 5 or 6 pounds. I'm not trying to make myself feel better here. My scale is a temperamental little jerk and it tells me something different every time I step on it. 
• Writing quite a bit. 
• Enjoying life just a little more. 

For February, I wanted to focus on love. Cheesy, yes, but it's too cold to work on the farm, and I'm not ready to tackle home management, finances or writing just yet. But this is still a daunting focus area. Love includes love of family, love of friends, love of partner and love of self. No wonder millions of books have been written on the subject. 

While I will spend the month working on my marriage (not that it's bad, but it can always be better), my primary focus is going to be loving myself. In working on improving my mental and physical health through the month of January, I realized how hard on myself I can be. While most would say that what I have accomplished in my life so far is awesome, I often feel that it is not enough. 

I am going to be participating in the #LoveMe challenge, created by fellow blogger Pepper Scraps. Each day I will write a blog based on her topic of the day. You may see some additional posts, but that's where my focus will be. Meanwhile, offline I'm going to continue trying to be healthy both in body and in mind and enjoying the process along the way. Feel free to join with me by clicking the link above.